JANDRÉ
All eyes will be on the dugout at White Hart Lane on Saturday lunchtime, where it is to be hoped that André Villas-Boas causes one of the great handshake rows of our time by eschewing José Mourinho's hand – partly because it will surely contain a hidden buzzer – and will instead strike a psychological blow by referencing this week's claims that Mourinho cried when he found out that Manchester United had appointed David Moyes, Villas-Boas playing the Darren Gough to the unwitting Chelsea manager's Shane Watson. There was a time when this pair of nerds, with their chalkboards and laptops and 4-2-3-1s, were inseparable but now they are no longer on speaking terms. Forget your Michael Douglases and Catherine Zeta-Joneses, your Nicole Scherzingers and Lewis Hamiltons, your Gerard Piques and Shakiras: Jose and Andre – Jandré, if you will – is where it's at.
With the pair set to meet for the first time as managers, plenty has been written and said about the deterioration of their relationship, a feud that began when Villas-Boas, who had been part of Mourinho's coaching staff at Chelsea, Porto and Inter, decided he wanted to spread his wings and become a manager, only to soar a little too high for Mourinho's liking. "We had a great personal and professional relationship before, that we don't have now," Villas-Boas said. "I don't think we need explanations on friendship and personal relationships. But our relationship broke down. I think we have the mutual respect for each other and we understand what we have been through cannot just disappear but it's not like it was before. I don't lose any sleep [over it]." And this from a man who once slept at Chelsea's training ground towards the end of his ill-fated stint as their manager.
All in all, it is a situation strangely reminiscent of the time Pete Doherty and Carl Barat fell out, only with fewer drugs and less alcohol, squalor and music. Mourinho has played his part. Asked to name the best Portuguese coach after him, he mischievously named Rui Faria, who has never been a manager, stopping just short of adding Maniche for good measure. Villas-Boas has to take his share of the blame too, with Mourinho annoyed that his protege hasn't properly acknowledged the role he has played in his career. But ultimately it all seems to boil down to which grown man thinks he was Sir Bobby Robson's favourite. Honestly. Brothers. They'll probably both be weeping and hugging it out it by full time.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Honestly, I would love to be here forever because that would mean I would be immortal" – Arsène Wenger channels Highlander. Next week: the Quickening.
FIVER LETTERS
"Yesterday's Fiver (and presumably the rest all this week) are offering 40% off the 'I am the Secret Footballer' until 20 September. Presumably the offer has been extended to 20 September 2014, and Guardian bookshop is not operating in a different space time continuum to the rest of us?" – Bernard Forsyth (and 1,056 others)
"In the clip of Brazil lifting the World Cup in 1994 that started the Retrospective Punishments video in yesterday's last line, an advertising hoarding bearing the phrase "Making Soccer History" can be seen. The American arm of the Fiver's STOP FOOTBALL campaign?" – Tom Hurles
"Re: Alistair Drummond correcting Mike Wilner's correction about £99 blazers and suggesting that the other £1 is for the blazer badge [yesterday's Fiver letters] even though we all know that neatly packaged tie and blazer badge combinations cost £19.99. Are we to believe the price in a combo pack is so heavily loaded on the tie side?" – Lassi Laitinen.
Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. And if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver.Today's winner of our letter o' the day prize is Tom Hurles, who gets a copy of the newly updated paperback edition of I Am The Secret Footballer.
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RECOMMENDED VIEWING
It's James Richardson's weekly review of the European papers, complete with gratuitous cake shot.
BITS AND BOBS
Manchester United's Robin van Persie has recovered from his groin-twang and will be fit to face West Brom
Lionel Messi has appeared in court to face allegations of tax fraud.
Sunderland's Steven Fletcher has been ruled out for four to six weeks with shoulder-ouch.
STILL WANT MORE? (AND MORE?)
Some people look forward to spending time with their families. Some people look forward to cup of tea and a nice sit down. Us? We look forward to 10 things in the Premier League.
The Joy of Six: Manchester United and West Bromwich Albion – Scott Murray on a surprisingly eventful history
Aaron Ramsey is a fighter who has finally started to land blows, writes David Hytner
The power of love: a curious thing. Make a one man weep, make another man sing. The power of football: changes the face of Polish history for ever. Football 1-0 Love.
Ever wanted to play table football on a cardboard table? Well now you can (look at pictures of them)!
On the Guardian Sport Network, Football Cliches explains how to be a football co-commentator
"A skinny-tied corporate number‑wangler", "a marzipan groom snatched from his unicorn", "a handsome industrial android reciting passages from a European business manual" … yes, it can only be Barney Ronay on André Villas-Boas
Big interview: Sol Campbell – why racism might force me abroad to become a manager
From skinny Ajax youth to Tottenham's dictator – Amy Lawrence on Christian Eriksen
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A GREAT DAY FOR MATTHEW BRIGGS
via Football: Chelsea | theguardian.com http://www.theguardian.com/football/2013/sep/27/the-fiver-mourinho-villas-boas
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