Today's flobber thinks your stupid
Daniel Levy, that master negotiator, is at it again. Amazingly amazed that Gareth Bale wants to force through a move to Real Madrid – but how could anyone want to leave Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur for little old Real Madrid?! – he has hit on a foolproof plan: he's going to put his fingers in his ears, close his eyes, pretend Bale doesn't exist and spend meetings he has with the Welshman's people shouting, "la la la la la la la I can't hear you but just so you know I'd probably take £100m". Ingenious. The silent treatment – which is maybe something Tottenham fans want to think about after their embarrassing carry-on on social media over the past 48 hours.
Being journalism experts, they're all appalled at the lack of quotes in reports about Bale's inexplicable desire to leave White Hart Lane, which hasn't been a problem in any of the stories about Roberto Soldado's imminent arrival from Valencia for £26m. Weird, that. Anyway, it's not all bad news for Spurs. They might be set to miss out on the Napoli defender Federico Fernández to West Brom but Emmanuel Adebayor could be on his way to Besiktas and they're also eyeing Paris Saint-Germain's Javier Pastore as a potential replacement for Bale, the misguided fool who wishes to swap the splendour of White Hart Lane for the Bernabéu, that rickety old excuse of a stadium.
Bayern Munich lost to Borussia Dortmund on Saturday, apparently because they were struggling to play more "horizonticalidad" instead of "verticalidad", as they say in the Spoofer's Guide to Football. Pep Guardiola, their new chief tinkerman, isn't happy and wants to get over that disappointment by buying David Luiz from Chelsea for £40m. Chelsea can have Luis Gustavo for £15m in return. But they can't have Wayne Rooney. Manchester United don't want to sell him to a rival, so that kind of rules out Arsenal as well. Meanwhile David Moyes is close to giving up on signing Cesc Fábregas from Barcelona and will instead turn his attention to rescuing Luka Modric from Madrid. See, Gareth! It's a trap! Stay and play with Scott E. Parker instead!
Liverpool-based philosopher Brendan Rodgers wishes to add the Benfica defender Lorenzo Melgarejo to the group, while Newcastle still hope to sign Bafétimbi Gomis after their latest bid was rejected by Lyon. Strong work from the greatest football director to ever walk the earth, Joe Kinnear. They'll press ahead with a loan move for QPR's Loïc Rémy, who could be followed out of Loftus Road by Park Ji-sung, a target for PSV Eindhoven.
Galatasaray and Juventus are "waging war" for Manchester City's Aleksandar Kolarov. It might be the most underwhelming war of all time. Carlton Cole is set for a shock move to St Etienne after failing to agree terms with Crystal Palace. And Nile Ranger has got a tattoo of his own surname on his forehead. As you do.
via Football news, match reports and fixtures | theguardian.com http://www.theguardian.com/football/2013/jul/29/football-tranfer-rumours-robert-soldado-tottenham-hotspur
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