IT'S ALL HAPPENING HERE!
This morning, the Fiver woke up. Friday morning! End of another great week! Gotta love a Friday morning! The Fiver felt great. Such possibilities for the weekend. The Fiver sprung out of bed, opened the curtains, made itself breakfast and turned on the television. And then it was confronted by a most terrible sight, especially on a Friday morning. There was a man standing outside Crystal Palace's training ground and although he looked like he was shivering, he also seemed to be curiously and inexplicably excited to be there, which is never a good sign. He stared at the camera and he let some words fall out of his mouth. "It's all happening here!" the poor bugger jibbered. "Wolves have accepted a £3m bid from Crystal Palace for goalkeeper Wayne Hennessey!" It's. All. Happening. Here. Four little words that could only mean one thing. The Fiver looked out the window again and this time it peered harder, using the telescope that was a birthday present from Weird Uncle Fiver, and saw that the streets were crawling with Sky Sports News reporters, their eyes manic, their mouths foaming, their minds understanding and their ears glued to around four, sometimes five, phones at the same time. Oh God, thought the Fiver, it's Jim White Day!
Suddenly the phone rang. Tentatively, the Fiver picked it up; it was the Man. "Fiver!" he yelped. "It's all happening here! Chelsea have signed St Etienne's Kurt Zouma! No, I've never done Zumba! Focus! Lewis Holtby has gone to Fulham on loan! Stoke reckon that £4m will do it for Sunderland captain Lee Cattermole! Arsenal are going to sign Kim Kallstrom on loan! Scott Dann, one half of Johnson and Dann, is having a medical at Palace. Kevin Doyle is joining QPR!!!!! I said Kevin Doyle is joining QPR! Swansea have bid £3.5m for Leicester's Jordan Schupp! I don't care if you've never heard of Jordan Schupp! They've bid for him! I don't care if you want some schnapps! Manchester City want Porto pair Fernando – stop singing! – and Eliaquim Mangala! Dimitar Berbatov is strolling off to Monaco! Have you seen what Dani Osvaldo is wearing for his Juventus medical? Have you? Have you? Fiver? Are you there? Fiver? Why you little! Fiver? Is this thing on? Don't you hang up on me! It's all happening here! I'll have you on toast for this, you sorry piece of work, don't bother coming in on Monday if you know what's good for you, you're so useless you're not even capable of phoning it in!"
And, no, The Fiver wasn't there. The Fiver had scarpered and had sprung its contingency plan into action, jumping into its special FiverCopter and taking to the skies in order to escape the madness. From there, it was able to spend its Friday in the way a Friday should be spent, embarking upon a grand tour of every last Wetherspoons in the country. It played a song on the jukebox in each one and as the day wore on and its vision became blurrier, it started to forget what all the panic was about in the first place, so it put in a call to Fiver Towers. "Hello," it hiccuped. "Got some breaking transfer news for you. Exclusive. Front page. Yeah. Hearing Andy Carroll's on the way to Liverpool for £35m. It's all happening here! Where am I? A service station near Milton Keynes. Hello? Hello? Are you there?" It was not, as it turned out, all happening here.
• Follow the D-Day 'fun' and games in this live blog!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"You will see how good City are in [Big Cup]. You will see in a couple of months. They are lucky. The reality is they have many crucial decisions in their favour" – José Mourinho keeps himself amused with some impartial observations before Chelsea's trip to Manchester City.
FIVER LETTERS
"It seems, after five years of effort, the Fiver's STOP FOOTBALL has finally taken effect … " – Noble Francis .
"Re Ashley Young's driving ban (yesterday's bits and bobs). Strange, I'd always seen him as such an upstanding citizen" – Patrick Brennan.
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BITS AND BOBS
Whoever has got it in for Andy Gray has got it real bad. Less than a week after Gray appeared on BT Sport, a decade-old video demonstrating Gray and Richard Keys's unique take on male-female relations in the workplace has mysteriously appeared.
Arsenal's chances of finishing third have suffered a blow with the news that Aaron Ramsey will be out for up to six weeks with thigh knack.
Manchester City's chances of scoring 400 goals this season have suffered a blow with the news that Sergio Agüero is out for a month with a hamstring injury.
And Real Madrid are planning to galacticise the Bernabéu Stadium with a £330m redesign. "We want to make the Santiago Bernabéu the best stadium in the world," wept Real president Florentino Pérez.
STILL WANT MORE?
Alessandro Del Piero, 87, may waddle instead of run these days, but he still made Barney Ronay rub his thighs like Vic Reeves when he watched him in Sydney.
Here's half-a-dozen transfer deadline-day deals and other late season eff ups to warm your cockles, as told by Scott Murray.
Wondering what to look out for in the Premier League this weekend? Thought so.
Oh, and if it's your thing, you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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WHAT HAPPENED TO THE JFK MOMENT?
via Football news, match reports and fixtures | theguardian.com http://ift.tt/METEUP
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