Today's rumourszzz … zzzz … zzz … zzzzzzzzzzz!
There is a scene in Evil Dead II in which the protagonist Bruce Campbell has his hand possessed by dark forces of the forest. The hand attempts to throttle him, smashes his head into furniture, claws at his eyes and is crawling for a meat cleaver, dragging the dazed Bruce behind it, when the hero comes to his senses and severs the offending appendage with a chainsaw.
That, though, is only the beginning of Bruce's problems and the hand continues on its murderous rampage, able to create more havoc for being loosed from the ties of the rest of the body. Eventually Campbell blasts this crazed demonic former limb with a shotgun, only to be near-drowned by great cascades of blood.
All of which brings us, of course, to Wayne Rooney. The top brass at Manchester United are clearly fans of Sam Raimi's early work and have learned the lessons of this scene, opting to keep Rooney in their grasp rather than fire up the Black & Decker and let him loose. And in the other two transfer blockbusters of the summer, the Sun reports Gareth Bale has told his Wales team-mates that he will never play for Spurs again, while Luis Suárez has reportedly told a journalist in Uruguay that he'll stay at Liverpool and may even sign a new contract.
All of which means Chelsea and Arsenal need new plans. With Rooney off the menu, Chelsea will redouble their attempts to snaffle Samuel Eto'o , while Arsenal have compiled extensive scouting reports on Swansea's Michu and Manchester City's Edin Dzeko.
In better news for Arsenal, though, Málaga are offering right-back Jesús Gámez in part-exchange for Nicolas Bendtner. The Gunners, though, would rather bag Juventus defender Stephane Lichtsteiner and, in doing so, provide the Turin giants with enough cash to snag Ajax's Christian Eriksen from beneath the noses of Tottenham and Liverpool.
Granada left-back Guilherme Siquiera will be arriving at Anfield for £6m and Brendan Rodgers has turned his attentions to Anzhi Makakakakahachachachkakakala forward and Black Eyed Pea Will. I An. He'll face competition from André Villas-Boas at Tottenham.
Tottenham, for their part, want Barcelona centre half Marc Bartra, but will only get him if Daniel Agger or David Luiz head to Camp Nou. Liverpool and Chelsea are increasingly confident of keeping their defensive lynchpins.
And in the final piece of our transfer-merry-go-round-that-just-won't-spin, West Ham are keen on Chelsea's Demba Ba. But as Chelsea won't be getting Wayne Rooney, the Hammers will have to turn their attentions to Besiktas forward Hugo Almeida.
Manchester City, by and large not getting involved in the tumult, are to return to Real Madrid with a fresh bid for loveable centre-back Pepe.
Hull have agreed a club record £5.25m fee for Tottenham's Tom Huddlestone. Sunderland hover in the background hoping to hijack the deal.
Newcastle have joined the race for Ajax defender Toby Alderweireld. Everton and Norwich are already on the start line. PSG still want Yohan Cabaye and are also interested in Mathieu Debuchy.
And Real Sociedad and Fulham are grappling over QPR midfielder Esteban Granero.
via Football news, match reports and fixtures | theguardian.com http://www.theguardian.com/football/2013/aug/14/the-rumour-mill-arsenal-michu-dzeko
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