Today's tabloid tales make the ridiculous seem sublime
The Stoke Sentinel reveals this morning that Mark Hughes is in "advanced talks" with New England Revolution striker Juan Agudelo, which the Mill understands to mean that the interaction between the pair has reached Stage Two of the three-stage transfer conversation process. Typically, Stage One would go something like this:
Player: Hello? Stoke: Hi, it's Stoke City!
Player: [hangs up] or Player: Oh hi. How much will you pay me?
That would lead to Stage Two, which, depending on the player's response in Stage One, would entail (a) Stoke repeatedly ringing back until the exasperated player called up some PPI claims pests just to engage his phone or (b) Stoke quoting a figure to which the player's agent would add as many zeroes as he thinks he could get away with. Stage Three could conclude thus:
Stoke: OK, deal. Sign this and we'll see you tomorrow for rampaging practice with Jonathan Walters. or Stoke: Get out of it, you greedy prune! What kind of fools do you take us for? Queens Park Rangers? It's not as if Mark Hugh ....ah.
So that's nearly where we're at now and it's just a matter of time before we know which of the Stage Three conclusions applies in this case. Unless, of course, the journal means that Hughes and Agudelo are in advanced talks in the same way that other people might be in advanced physics or advanced mathematics and, therefore, that the manager and player are taking some kind of class involving sophisticated conversation techniques with multi-syllabled words, a range of handy accents, and quips for all occasions. Ace that class and you'll be an incredible superhero of chat, a seemingly unassuming citizen who in an instant can transform into a perfectly devastating interlocutor, a Dr Bruce Banter, if you will.
So where were we? Oh yes, advanced talking. Well, Barcelona haven't quite got that far yet with David Luiz but word is they want to and, as the students of talking among you will know, means they may, in the Spanish tradition, insert a fourth stage into the talks process, involving getting every one of their players to pipe up in public about the prospect of hooking up with David Luiz. Fulham want Lee Cattermole. The Mill isn't sure if that's a statement of fact or just a rude taunt but it's what it says in the Daily Mirror.
Diego Lugano, fearsome centre-back and captain of Uruguay, will soon fulfil his dream of signing for West Bromwich Albion.
The former Liverpool midfielder Momo Sissoko could make a return to Merseyside thanks to Everton. Or he could be swayed by QPR instead, apparently.
Martin Skrtel may look like he eats raw human for breakfast but he's a softie at heart and so is Daniel Agger and that's why Liverpool need new centre-backs. It doesn't, however, explain why Rafael Benítez wants to bring Skrtel to Napoli. Benítez also wants to sign Gareth Barry again for reasons unclear.
We keep hearing that Josh McEachran is the tidiest young footballer in England but no club here seems to want to give him a regular game, which has got Real Sociedad to thinking that he needs to be in Spain. A loan application for the 20-year-old Chelsea waif is wining it way to Stamford Bridge.
Finally, Barcelona are thinking of chucking a signed Cesc Fábregas poster down to Ed Woodward in the hope that it will persuade the Manchester United suit to go away.
via Football news, match reports and fixtures | theguardian.com http://www.theguardian.com/football/2013/aug/01/the-rumour-mill-gareth-barry-napoli
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